So, it's almost 4am. At this point I could make a cliche reference to one of my lyrics but I'll avoid the obvious. There have been quite a few things I've been wanting to say lately, but somehow I can never put them in song, so I end up writing them completely jumbled here.
Finally, finally, after two + years at Berklee, I feel like things are coming together. I finally feel like I have a community, friends, a stable relationship. This might be great, except soon a lot of people responsible for my new found acceptance will be leaving, and soon after that, I will probably be leaving too.
Many of my teachers talk about how struggle is what ultimately, totally, makes you a better musician, a better person. Right now, right in this moment, it is difficult to see how the past two years of struggle and heartache have made me a better person; perhaps, one day, I will understand. Hindsight is a powerful gift.
Foresight and hindsight showed me that I didn't belong at UGA. I always adore everyone and the city when I visit, but it does not belong to me. So I left. But I've yet to decide if I actually belong here. Yes, I said I'm starting to feel like things are coming together. But will there ever be a time where I feel complete peace in my life? Will I ever know, without a doubt, that I am on the right path?
I hope so. I've had a lot of good experiences these past few years, but I don't think this is how I thought 'college' would be. I thought it would involve a lot more happy, a lot more knowing, a lot more best friends.
I am very thankful for the true friends that I have. But I also feel that I learned too early that there are very *very* few friends in life. I'll be extremely lucky if I'm talking to my best friends of now in ten years, five years, one year. One month. You don't know who your real friends are until you move far away, and after that, you don't know who they really are until a significant amount of time has passed.
But, of course, it goes both ways. The friendships that I've lost probably have a lot to do with me. But not all of them. Some people were never in it for the long haul - they knew from the beginning. If only I had, as well. I might have saved myself from some of the struggle.
I find it interesting that at a time when I'm supposed to be accepting myself for who I am, I'm having the most difficult time understanding - everything - ever. I don't know where I'm going, more than ever. I'm aware of the way that I look more than ever. I don't know who my friends are, more than ever. Yet I'm finally feeling peace in Boston. Sometimes I feel as if the peace is understanding that I will never understand who I am, and what I am doing, and why I am a musician. Just knowing that I will never know has some kind of power behind it, sometimes. But sometimes, like now, it leaves me nothing but extremely unsettled, and wondering who else is awake.