I can't count how many times in the past year, month, week, even day that I've wanted to stop all this nonsense and quit being a musician. The heartache that it causes in one way or another is absurdly overwhelming at times; today has just been one of those days I guess. I get so sick of having this "songwriter" mind... of perhaps overthinking things, pressing my mind for ideas for my next big hit.
The unfortunate reality of being a musician, or really any type of artist, is that there is never any escape. Sure, I could "quit" today. I could say that I no longer want to pursue a career as a musician, drop out of Berklee, and fight to never pick up a guitar. But being a musician is in my blood (quite literally, thanks a lot Dad) and I'll carry it with me until the day I die. The work never ends; as an artist, it's my job to be alert 24 hours a day to myself and everything happening around me, and to be willing to stop what I'm doing, mentally or physically, to create my next piece of art. Sometimes, I just want it all to stop. I want the business brain. I want the go to college to party and get a degree and figure out some money-making career after graduation brain. But I don't have it. My career started when I sang my first note and breathes down my neck in every corner of Berklee College of Music (and every other corner of the world.)
So why haven't I dropped out? Why, exactly, do I still want to be a professional musician? Well, I think I have some kind of an answer. The realization that I can never get away from being a musician at heart just makes it seem logical that I would pursue it as a career. Might as well take all this angst and try to make money out of it. It's going to be really hard, and I've accepted the fact that I'm probably going to starve, at least for a while. I've always been pretty ready for adventure, and luckily I really like ramen noodles, too. And then, of course, is the fact that there is absolutely no plan B. The only thing that cuts a close second to being a musician is to be a music student forever. That is my harsh and comforting simultaneous reality. The (un)fortunate reality of so many artists everywhere - there is just no plan B.