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so what am I so afraid of?
Here's to not letting the past year of my life - with all of it's crazy experiences - completely terrify me to the point where I'm paralyzed. I don't want to be scared. No matter what happens, I'll be fine.
It seems I have been getting stress colds once a month for the past three months. At the end of July I got a cold just two days before I flew to Boston to record my first studio demo. At the end of August I got a cold as I was getting ready to move to Boston (the jury is still out on whether I got Jon sick or the other way around). Then... not even a month later, I got a cold the day before my make up final singing exam from last semester, not to mention I was in the midst of a humungo fight with my best friend in Boston.
At the beginning of last week I searched everywhere inside me and around me for strength to get through. One of those times, you know? I just didn't know how I'd do it.
But remarkably, I did, with little more than a couple of little scars on my heart. They add to the collection. And the songwriting material.
I felt like when I was in Georgia this summer that my life was on hold. I was just waiting for the next transition, the first semi-permanent move of my life in years, to get back to Boston. Back to Boston, where life- my life - will *really* take place. After all, movies about life, love, politics, Christmas, murder, jealousy, *college,* etc., take place in Boston. I'm not sure if there has ever been a movie that takes place in Athens. Definitely not Winder. The model had me convinced... this summer, I was waiting for life to *really* start in Boston. This is a mistake so many make so often. Here I am in Boston, and for some reason I have that same feeling of waiting for my life to begin. I'm waiting for the next step that is around the corner, anxiously just trying to get through day after day so I can get to the exciting part. I know there is some old saying about the phenomenon, or maybe a quote from a poet, and I'm sure plenty of songs... but the gist of it is this... while I'm sitting around waiting for life to happen, it's happening. All the time. Every day. So how can I shake this feeling? I mean, damn. I already moved 1000 miles away to a city where I didn't know anyone. How much more lively can I get?
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think I know the cause of the problem. What I'm identifying as "waiting for life to begin" is really "waiting for a boyfriend." For some reason, for at least the past year of my life I have felt tremendous pressure to have a boyfriend again. And really from no one else - just me. For some reason, I can't shake the feeling that my life can't *really* begin until I have some sort of loyal man by side.
This, of course, is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
I have been single for almost 20/21st of my life. Did I need a man by my side to accomplish everything I have in my 21 years? Of course not. So what gives? Sure, it can be hard to see all the couples in love everywhere, and sure, I'm at "that age" where everyone wants to start settling down (at least in the short term sense). But there was a time in the not so distant past when I was ready to conquer the world, all on my own. I want it back.
I'm writing about it now because it is about time I called myself out on it. I don't know if it will help, and I don't think that wanting a boyfriend is something that I should feel guilty about, but I should feel guilty for feeling so worthless without one these days. I'm sick of letting it control me. I've got to let it go, starting right now.
Ahhhh but I can't wait!! To be in love again, what a feeling....
Geezy creezy. No hope for these damn romantic songwriter types.