2 AM and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to
Lately I feel like John Cusack in High Fidelity, because these days all I want to do is talk to my ex-boyfriends about what the hell I did that was so bad. Well, even the term "ex-boyfriend" is quite a stretch, because it seems like for me that things stop before they even really get started. To maintain my sanity in this stretch of loneliness/wondering regret, I've been reminding myself of a couple of very important facts:
1) Even though I feel constant pressure (from myself) to be in a mature relationship right now, I am still very, very young. I've got plenty of time to go through a bunch of screwed up, half-assed relationships before I get to something meaningful.
2) As Cosmo as this sounds, it's really not my fault. There's no blaring reason why anyone shouldn't want to to date me. It's either a factor of the guys I am choosing (which I guess, in all honest terms, does actually come back to me - but we'll ignore that fact for sanity's sake), or simply a lack of compatibility between me and the guy. However easy it looks from the outside, it takes a whole lot for two people to want to be in a relationship. I just wish I wasn't always the one wanting it, wanting him.
It's good to be home but so far it has given me way too much time to think, all by myself. Thinking is bad. It's best to just blindly walk through life, ignoring your issues. No sarcasm here, people... really. Luckily I start my job tomorrow so 30-40 hours a week of this thinking time will quickly disappear, thank God.
I've still got another three months until I get back to Boston. I'm not really sure if I'm happier there, by any normal definition of the word "happy", but at least I know that once I'm there my life will stop being in transition for a bit. My life for the past two years:
August 2004 - moved out of Mom and Dad's house into Creswell dorm
May 2005 - moved into Mom and Dad's house for the summer
August 2005 - moved into apartment in Athens
December 2005 - moved back into Mom and Dad's house
January 2006 - moved to apartment in Boston
May 2006 - moved back into Mom and Dad's house
September 2006 - move back to Boston for at least a year
So yeah... I've moved six times in the past two years. I'm ready to get settled. It's interesting, because I realized as I was typing that now I refer to my home as Mom and Dad's house. I don't know why I would say that, because I honestly feel at home here. I don't know... I guess even though I do feel at home here, I just don't feel like I live here - if that makes any sense. I don't feel like I live in Athens either. Even though I've only been in Boston a short time, my home is there now because I know I'm going back.
Going back... to what? Well, to Gen, a true friend through and through. Maybe to that guy, but that is obviously up in the air. Definitely to a crazy awesome music land. To the super cold winter that for reason I'm nostalgic about right now. But more than anything, I'm going back to independence... living my own life in a way I never did before, even when I had the apartment in Athens. I have no obligations to anyone but myself, and even though that is extremely selfish, I absolutely love it. The first half of the semester I don't think I could have said that so confidently, but I know now. Boston really is working out.
Despite all my crazy decisions, from financial to romantic to time managament, I'm going to be okay. It will work out for me - it always has.
yay