I've been noticing a pattern, I think. Since I've really gotten over guy numero uno I've been reaching out to people that can't really be guy numero dos. Three of the major love interests since my break up have been either literally hundreds of miles away or too unrealistic for other reasons to ever expect anything to come out of it. So, is it fear of commitment? Is it... not wanting commitment? Is it just that I happen to be falling for very inconvenient guys and they happen to fall for me too? What is it, really? I don't know.
I could spend all the time in the world trying to decide if my behaviors are "healthy", but when it comes down to it everybody has their issues. There is just no way you can do everything right. So maybe this means I am accepting this part of my personality and I'm going to go on falling deeper into people that I probably shouldn't...
...and why does media player keep playing mellow break up songs all in a row??
I have a really great uncle, and his name is Mark. He sent me this a few months back:
"Here is your Easter message...
'You are not an accident. Even before the universe was created, God had you in mind, and he planned for you for his purposes. These purposes will extend far beyond the few years you will spend on Earth. You were made to last forever.'
Love,
Uncle 'wise wise' Mark
But stick around as long as you can!"
I was telling a friend tonight that I am envious of him because he has all his plans ironed out right down to where he is going to live. I've been feeling really uneasy lately about my future for lots of obvious reasons. I don't know if I'll graduate from Berklee, if I'll even graduate from college, if I'll be in debt for the rest of my life, what I want to do... heck, I don't even *really* know yet if I'll even get to go to Berklee (even though I just sent in my tuition deposit... yay!!) Where do I stand? I don't know...
The message Uncle wise wise Mark sent me brings me a lot of comfort. I like to say I don't believe in fate, but like I've said time and time again, I do believe everything happens for a reason (is that the same thing as believing in fate?) While I'm not sure there really is a specific plan for me, I do believe I am taken care of. I've always held strong faith with that when everything else seems to be failing. God has taken care of me and ultimately everything that happens will be for the best. So if God keeps me here in Athens, or if he sends me on a different path other than performance, it will all be okay.
I'm going to be okay. I just have to try out this life one day at a time.
"I'm just worried because this school carries two big risks - 1) it's very expensive in the first place and 2) it does not in any way prepare me to pay off my loans."
"Well Sarah, what do you dream about doing?"
"... I dream about performing. I want to perform forever."
"Well then you just have to figure out how to do that. Just don't worry about it, because you'll figure it out."
can't wait