And slowly but surely, as this phase of my life comes to an end, all the demons and angels of my past inch their way back into all my thoughts and every step I take, and remind me who I am, where I've come from, and leave me with nothing but subtle foreshadowings about where I might possibly be headed.
I think about songwriting; I think about those times that the words just poured out of me, that I wrote something that everyone would love, that someone was really just speaking through me... I wonder if I am songwriter or truly just a performer. A performer who has written, yes, but not a songwriter..
I think about him, and I wonder if I really ever was in love with him, and every time the answer is yes. I ask myself if I'm naive, if someday I will know better when I *really* fall in love, and the answer is always no. I was young, yes, but I loved him..
I think about my friendships, and how my best friends now are almost entirely different people than they were one year, 10 months, 8 months ago, and I wonder how our relationships will change in the next year, 10 months, 8 months..
I think about how I view my physical self, how I can find the tiniest flaw now, but that one day I will look back and know I was beautiful. I think about this and realize that if I can think that it means I know I am beautiful, even now, I know I am, but my troubled mind wants to see only the bad... maybe so I can improve? Maybe seeing the bad makes you become a better person. Or maybe it only brings you down...
I think about falling out of love, and how that snuck up on me even more than falling into it, and I think about how that even now when I remember us it doesn't seem real, and I feel like I never deserved to be that happy. Why do I feel that way?
And I think about changing people, and what my calling is in life, my calling being so much more than just what I want to do, but what I am meant to do... and I feel like my calling is to perform. I want to make people smile. I'm not looking to change the world, I just want to change his world, her world, their world. I want him and her and he and she and they and them to smile once because they saw me once... and in my own selfishness I want to know that they smiled, but I also want to know that there are times they smiled that I never even realized..
I think about the boys and now the men in my life that have changed me.. I think about the things they said, and what I have felt for them, and who I did and did not really care about. I think about how many times I thought we were going somewhere, when really the only time it went somewhere is when I expected it to go nowhere. Maybe that is the trick.
I think about Boston, and I wonder if it is my excuse to escape everything real, for better or for worse, that is happening here, and I wonder if when I get to Boston I will discover only more reality and even less dreams come true. I think about the day that I move and I really leave, and I wonder how everyone around me will feel, and I wonder if my strongest emotion will be anticipation or fear..
I think about that song lyric that I love so much, "I've got all the people I love stacked up so high" and I think about how true it is, how I love so so many people and I just want them to know.. and I think about how I feel like I am too sentimental for my own good.
And right now, I'm thinking about who will read this, and what they will think, and if they will even get this far. I'm thinking about what they think of this intimate glimpse into everything on my mind, or if they will even think twice about it, or if they will realize how much I have just given away.