...the kind that blindside you
...the kind that blindside you at 8 p.m. on some idle sunday
I think I just realized it.
All at once, I realized there is no way I'm going to be in Boston next year. It started because I realized that the scholarship I applied for is not one that even offers full tuition; a live audition is required for that.
But so what? Even with full tuition I'd still be responsible for 13,000 dollars a year. I don't have that. I can't make it appear. I don't know why I've been tricking myself these past couple of months.
This is not a happy moment for me. I wanted this so much. And it's not that I'm not happy here. I hate that I think that is how some of my friends feel, but that is just not the case. I don't want anybody to feel like I want to leave to leave them, because the people here are the only thing that makes me want to stay. I can't even put into words why I think Boston is where I need to be next year.
But no worries now everyone, because somehow I just don't think it's happening. Maybe the adult in me is finally kicking in and realizing that silly dreams like this just don't come true. I'll stay here in Athens and play in the bars and write my mediocre songs and people will say I'm talented, and then maybe they will remember me when they are old and wonder whatever happened to me. And I'll be teaching chorus at some high school perfectly content with my life, but always wondering... what if? What could have happened? What could I have seen and experienced? What if I had been just a little bit better, a little bit richer, a little more... ready?
I guess life is meant to be full of these what ifs.